As promised, my next entry is entirely dedicated to the bullshit on TV. Now, this post essentially vents all my anger and hatred towards the new Crispy Crunch commercial, which I’m sure you’ve all seen (I don’t understand how one could possibly avoid witnessing this gigantic steaming bowl of elephant piss, but just in case you’re one of those lucky few individuals, you can find the commercial here so that you’ll understand exactly what I’m talking about).
Now, first of all, you should understand that almost as soon as I see this commercial appear on my TV screen, I instantly have a craving to punch a nearby baby, preferably one that’s already crying and/or shitting itself (why would I want to punch a happy baby?). And no, I’m not a baby-racist, I’m not a baby-hater. But guess what? That’s just how much I hate this commercial. Basically, it’s some old geezer trying to hypnotize me into remembering Crispy Crunch. Well I have news for you, creepy old man…hypnotize this (*waves two middle fingers in the air*)! (more…)
This story has been passed on from generation to generation. It is not my story, however I offer to share it with you in the hope that you do not make the same mistake as this poor fellow. Enjoy!
I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to all though tasteless, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble pooping. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique.
It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my ass-cheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butt-hair dwelling.
Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can’t-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. “Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don’t I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!” I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. “How many Indians could there be?” said by General Custer. “Looks like a good day for a drive!” by JFK. “There! America On-line now has complete Usenet access!” by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea. (more…)
Yet another travesty hath befallen me. I, as unfortunate as it is, have to return to class after my fantastical three solid days of doing absolutely nothing! Yes, I know, it’s horrible, my life is obviously coming to an end what with these simply horrid next two weeks ahead of me (note the sarcasm). However, there are only two weeks left until I’m finished my first year of college (which is pretty exciting, in my opinion), and until I go home and can spend more time with my Jilly <3. However, next week may not be as enjoyable as most “last weeks of school” are (I refer to the last weeks of public school and high school years where nothing is accomplished and we do things dumb enough to make us forget everything we “learned” that year anyways). Since that week will be my testing week, I’ll probably have somewhere between 5-6 tests, plus the programming project that we’ve had for the past month or so. Now, the thing about this project is that when he first proposed it, I was going to replace one of our tests for the semester and instead he would give us a mark out of 20 (since the tests are 20%). He said that half would be marked based on group work, and the other half on individual work. Since our program is so small (only about 12 peeps), he basically split the class down the middle and put us into one of two different groups of 6. Personally I thought this was retarded, because do you have any idea of how hard it is to keep track of what 5 other people are doing on top of what you’re supposed to be doing? Very retarded. I suggested he make more groups with less people, but he shot that down pretty quick because he’s the professor, and therefore he is always right and I, as the student, am always wrong. Go figure. Anyways, the assignment is to make a simple game-show type game application. Our group chose to do Family Feud, the other I believe is doing Wheel of Fortune. Now, before I start ranting about it, it may sound easy to someone with little or no programming knowledge. Let me assure you there is more involved in such an application than you might think. Much more. Actually, now that I think about it, I’m not even going to bother going into all that garbage. My point about the project is, it’s due at the end of next week, and our group is about as far as we should have been a month ago. We have all our ideas and plans for how it’s going to work, but so far we have absolutely none of the coding done or even started, to my knowledge. Great. You know what that means…late night coding sessions all week long so we can pass the course! Yay! Not. It’s really quite disappointing. Oh well. Life’s a bitch…or so I hear. (more…)
To all my fantastic fans, as well as you creepshows that read my shit for absolutely no reason, I decided to post a little update of my Easter weekend thus far.
So basically, I got home Thursday night, had dinner, and went over to my Jilly’s house. We watched TV for a bit, then went out to Tim Horton’s to get some coffee and such, and you’ll never guess who we saw there…needless to say, it was certain individuals that we may dislike more than others. Trying our best to avoid making eye contact, we got our shit as quick as possible and blew that popsicle stand. We went for a drive around North Bay, discussing issues of the day, the latest gossip, blah blah blah. It was fantastic 
Unfortunately, I had to get up at 5:30 the following morning in order to drive down to Kingston to pick up my sister, then drive an hour back to Belleville where we had a ginormous turkey dinner at my aunt’s house, played a hilarious game of Balderdash with the cousins, and finally stayed overnight at my grandma’s house. This morning, I was awakened by the most foul of odours; the self-cleaning feature on the oven. If you’ve never smelled or experienced the sheer awfulness that is the stench of an oven cleaning itself, pray to whatever God you believe in (or to all of them; hey, it can’t hurt!) that you never do. Now, first off, let’s get something straight here: I’ve smelled some pretty bad shit in my life. Literally. Yes, there are numerous smells that I do not appreciate (say, a fart, for example), but there aren’t too many odours that instantly activate the gag reflex in the back of my throat (the only other that comes to mind is the smell of certain whiskey, if you heard about my “Alberta Premium Night of Terror” adventure (I refer to it as an adventure, but I really don’t remember much from it)…let’s just say, my roommate and I invented a game similar to beer pong but based on mini-basketball, and I woke up the next morning still shitfaced and with the biggest and by far the worst hangover of my life…after having (as I was later told) spent most of the night lying on the bathroom floor in my own bodily fluids (more than just one type, if you know what I’m saying)). Anywhoo, back to the matter at hand… (more…)
So, as it turns out, I was able to dig up my math test mark this evening and apparently I did a lot better on it than I was anticipating…to my surprise, I somehow managed to pull off an 89! Now here’s the part where I’d say all the studying paid off, but, to be honest, it really didn’t. In actuality, I think the more I studied, the more I confused myself. Oh well, either way, I’m happy with that.
I spent most of this evening reading my VB chapters and doing the practise test over and over again until I (once again) memorized all the answers for the available questions. Obviously I’d rather not have anything to do with it but hey, that’s life I suppose. After I was done that, I watched I Am Legend…overall it’s not a bad movie, I suppose, as far as those “zombie/virus/infected” genre movies go (the 28 Days/Weeks Later series are still at the top of my list and aren’t going anywhere soon), and let’s face it, who doesn’t like Will Smith (I’m watching Fresh Prince of Bel-Air right now, bitches)? But, as with all movies (especially with me), there were parts that I didn’t like, which I will now bitch about…*spoilers below… (more…)
Let’s recap yesterday’s events. Why? Because I can. So, as you might have guessed from the title, I had a pretty busy day yesterday. First of all, I had two back-to-back tests (one in NOS-Network Operating Systems, the other in math), which I had been studying intently since Sunday night. I wasn’t too worried about NOS because I read through all the chapters it was on (as dry as it was), and it all seemed to be pretty straightforward business. On top of that, my professor opened up a practise test that we could write as many times as we wanted, that used actual questions that would be on the real test…so as you might guess, I obviously wrote the practise about 30 times until I memorized the answers for every question. Basically the test was stuff about print servers and devices, spooling, as well as Group Policy and Active Directory services. Woot. If only math were that easy. Unfortunately it was on stuff to do with converting decimal to binary, hexadecimal, and octal, and vice versa, etc. On top of that, it was arithmetic in these other number systems, and something called “two’s complement” for negative binary numbers, as well as using 4 bytes (32 bits) to store a binary number via the IEEE standard. Like, hurray. (more…)
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